by Laurie Krieg There are moments when Matt triggers my anger. Actually, he doesn’t even have to say or do anything in particular, but something happens to remind me of the past, and I have this insatiable urge to go and yell at him. Then I remember, “Wait, Laurie. Calm down. You have already grieved all of this. You have talked through what you need to talk about with Matt. You have already given your pain to the Lord. You have truly forgiven Matt. Give him back to God.” I do this, and after a couple of minutes feel better. I told Matt this thought process I go through over our anniversary dinner the other day. (Super appropriate, right? High five to Laurie for amping up the romance... not so much.) “Why?” he asked. “If you have forgiven me, why do you want to suddenly yell at me again?” I sat there for a few minutes and thought about it. Why do I want to do that? I verbally processed my answer (a rarity for me as I usually need like four days to answer something so deep). “I think it’s because I am feeling a glimmer of the pain I felt back then, and I don’t want you to just sit there, happy, not feeling pain while I do. I want you to pay as much as I pay—or more.” That’s the ugly truth. Over the last decade, I have had a lot of conversations about forgiveness. I think I am only beginning to understand it’s depths—especially when I consider God’s incredible grace and forgiveness. Whereas before I thought a good Christian forgiver was someone who worked really hard to ignore pain, (“It’s fine!” “It’s in the past!” “No big deal!”) I am beginning to see that a Jesus-like forgiver is someone who feels weight of the issue, grieves it, gives it to the Father, and then allows him to be the judge and jury (see Jesus in Gethsemane and on the cross for an example). I am set free. If the person never apologizes or changes doesn’t matter. My letting go isn’t dependent upon the individual asking for forgiveness. If they do, it’s icing on the cake. (I do believe restoration can be dependent on the perpetrator's movement toward you with sincere sorrow, however.) Matt has asked for forgiveness—dozens of times—and I have gone through this sincere forgiveness process and felt the freedom and restoration. So, why is it that when I am triggered, I suddenly want to go punch Matt with my words? Does it mean I haven’t forgiven? Does it mean I simply didn’t do a good enough job of craning my neck the opposite direction from his affliction (which isn't forgiveness at all)? No. It means I am an in-process human. (See Paul in Romans 7 as another in-process human who dealt with doing what he didn't want to do.) I remember things. God doesn’t. And to “not remember” means God chooses not to bring it up to us. He physically can remember (he’s God, after all), but he chooses not to rub it in our faces. As Charles Spurgeon says in this worthwhile read on forgiveness:
I can choose the same when triggered. I can choose to live in forgiveness instead of take back my "right" to punish.
This may seem like a small thing to write a blog post about, but I think it’s significant: the big, deep lament and forgiveness process needs to happen, but when we have done that and when we remember again, we need to remind our souls that the Lord has it, and to really let Him hold it--both the pain and our desire to punish.
2 Comments
2/10/2016 12:25:11 pm
Whenever this happens to me over something from the past, i try to remember who God has treated me through my multiple (and I mean tons) of failures and face plants. I tell people when God says, "I forgive you" and totally and completely forgives. If I ask forgiveness for that same act a bit later I think God says, "What in the world are you talking about?" I don't remember. That's not saying He isn't omniscient. It means He is into total and complete forgiveness. I am not God (obviously) so the enemy will try to allow faulty thoughts and damning thoughts to creep back in, but that is when I try to remember to WHOM I belong and WHO took my hurt. It is a process though, that's for sure.
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Laurie Krieg
2/19/2016 12:04:49 pm
Hi Bill! So good. Sorry for the extreme commenting delay! Thanks, as always, for your reading and thoughtful responses! Blessings!
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//About the AuthorLaurie Krieg is broken, beloved, and gospel-addicted. Read more about her here.
//Recent PostsEpisode 34: How We Heal
4.23.18 How has the Krieg marriage been healing this last year? It's a real-life update. Episode 33: Sexual Discipleship 4.13.18 We are all sexually discipled. The question is not "if we are" but 'by whom'? Let's talk about how we, the Church, can sexually disciple better. Episode 32: Guiding Families 4.8.18 How can parents and leaders of LGBT+ people love them like Jesus? Guest: Bill Henson Are We in Love with Our Baristas? 4.3.18 What's the heart of attraction toward someone? Episode 31: How to Talk with the Kids 3.30.18 We have to talk with our kids about sex and sexuality, but how do we do it biblically? Guest: Branson Parler Episode 30: Women Struggle with Lust, Too 3.23.18 They do. (We do.) Quite a bit. Why are we so under-resourced and under-discussed? Guest: Amy Riordan Episode 29: It Takes a Village 3.18.18 How can youth pastors walk alongside LGBT+ youth well? Guest: Ray Low Changing Theology, Not Orientation 3.16.18 One student's journey with her faith and sexuality Guest: Katie Melone Focus on Which Family? 3.7.18 How can we relate as a biblical family--single or married? Guest: Dr. Branson Parler Podcast Episode 27: What's Really Best for the Kids? 3.2.18 How can we disciple our kids without hurting their hearts? Podcast Episode 26: Marriage: What Is It Good For? 2.23.18 The team draws timely connections between marriage, singleness, LGBT+ people, and the Church. Guest: Branson Parler The Day I Became Wonder Woman 2.23.18 Can God heal painful memories? Yeah. Podcast Episode 25: Friends in Low Places 2.16.18 How can you be a helpful friend to someone in pain? How can you be a helpful person in pain to your friends? Let's talk about it. Guest: Tammy Perlmutter The Three Spiritual Identities 2.11.18 Performance? Grace? Or Love? Where do you live? Podcast Episode 24: Is There Hope for Us? 2.7.18 On our nine-year anniversary, we ask that question. Podcast Episode 23: Don't Waste Your Marriage 2.2.18 How can we not waste it? Get on mission. The Secret Rooms of Our Hearts 1.23.18 How can we connect our hearts in the midst of processing trauma? Podcast Episode 22: Learn to Fight Well 1.19.18 Hint: Fighting well is not about fighting well, but about looking like Jesus. Chronic Soul Pain 1.19.18 Do you suffer from chronic pain of the soul? We all do. Let's stop pretending we don't--in community. Podcast Episode 21: Pursue the Perfect Marriage 1.13.18 What does perfection in marriage look like? Podcast Episode 20: Marriage Is Not That Great 1.6.17 Is there a different set of rules for marriages like ours? What Do You Want? 12.31.17 Laurie was due for a spiritual and marital audit, and she found herself before a holy God. Podcast Episode 19: I'm Coming Out 12.22.17 What was it like to come out to a friend for the first time? 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