Hole in My Heart Ministries
  • Welcome
  • Blog
    • Blog Archives
  • About
    • About the Ministry
    • Videos & Podcasts
    • Endorsements
    • Core Needs
    • Resources >
      • Gay Friendly
  • Journey Well
  • Podcast
  • Contact
  • Partner

What I've learned after eight years in my mixed-orientation marriage

2/6/2017

18 Comments

 
Picture
by Laurie Krieg

Tomorrow, Matt and I will have been married eight years. 


Some days it feels like one year; some days it feels like twenty. What’s interesting to me is how other people feel about the duration of our marriage. 

Whenever I read books or blogs about mixed-orientation marriages (where one of the spouses experiences a same-sex attraction and the other does not), I say, “Oh, look, honey. Here are the three paragraphs about our marriage. And, surprise, surprise: they are depressing.”​

​Most of the tiny bit that is written about our type of marriage is pessimistic at best, predicting doomsday failure at worst.

We have been asked directly and indirectly by bold friends how our marriage does work. Is Matt constantly feeling dissed by me—especially because I am so “out” in this ministry? Am I simply wandering about alone—tolerating him and feeling unfulfilled?

Let me explain by sharing two things I have learned over the last years together:
Picture
1.  Our marriage is about a covenant commitment.
The world says, “If you’re not happy, get out.” People say this to super straight couples, how much more so to us!  Happiness and fulfillment are what matters. “I deserve…” “I have rights…” “I, I, I….” 

Especially when it comes to sex and sexuality. I mean, if one of you is not fulfilled in marriage, it is your prerogative to find it somewhere. Sex is everything. (Well, we may not say that, but we act like it in the way many of us prioritize food, water, air, sex…) 

I don’t see this in the Bible. I see mutual submission, not stealing. I see denial of self, not demands. I see a giving up of “rights," not a list of requirements to receive love. What rights do we have besides a life of death—even in, and perhaps especially so in marriage (an example of Jesus’ relationship to the church)?

The world has fooled us, friends. It has said, “Laurie, you are your sexuality. You don’t just experience that type of brokenness, you are your sexuality.” Why? Why can’t I be like most other married women and men I know (super straight people) who have times where they are not attracted to their spouses? They struggle with a different form of sexual brokenness. Why do I get a right to run?

No. I am committed. And like Jesus, even on the hardest days, I stay.  So does Matt.
"When Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think, ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’ No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us--denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him--and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED.
​

"He said, ‘Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing.’ He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse. Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.” 

--Tim Keller, Meaning of Marriage
Picture
2. Our marriage is about sanctification.

The very place where Matt and I can shake our heads while praying, “Jesus? How?” is the very place where we grow the most. That growth process is called sanctification, and it is a difficult journey if you experience same-sex attractions or not. If you are married or not.

If you have worked with us at a counseling level, heard us speak, or read many of these blogs, you know we believe that my same-sex attractions—although may be inborn, permanent, etc.—can feel stronger when I am lacking a Core Need. The barking Core Need may be extra loud because I am not feeling loved, cared for, or seen. Ideally, those Core Needs, which live in that metaphorical hole in our hearts, are met in perfect relationship to God and supported by other people. 

Such perfect interactions rarely happen. (Surprise! People aren't perfect.)  If we are not on our seeking-first-the-Kingdom game, we subconsciously go searching to meet our Core Needs in other ways: with food, sexual activity, working too much, people “liking” us and our posts, etc.

When Matt and I stop this wandering, confess, refocus, and hold hands while staring at Jesus (not at each other), our weakest places personally become glue for our marriage. 

“Matt, I am really struggling. I am so sorry. I let my mind wander…” And I share.

One-hundred percent of the time I don’t want to be honest with him. One-hundred percent of the time I am glad I was because of the immediate freedom it offers me, and the way it punches Satan in the teeth. Satan hates when things come into the light. That’s why I do it. Satan is a jerk.

“I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?” I ask Matt.

“Yes, I will.” Matt may look and feel hurt. He isn’t superhuman. But sometimes that face of pain flashes in my mind when I am tempted to let my mind drift again. Sin hurts me and those around me. Sin bleeds. I need to remember this when my heart wants to wander. 

But the conversation isn’t over. We are not one another’s police officers, enforcing the law. We are cardiologists.

“Laurie, what do you really need?” Matt asks. He asks this because we know sexual sin is not actually about sexual sin. It begins at the heart. 

What do I need? “I am really feeling unseen. Uncared for. I feel like God hates me right now.” Matt listens, sincerely empathizes. Then we come up with a game plan to get that real need met with journaling, reading, hanging out with healthy female peers, or going on a fun date together. We plan something that will help lift me up to receive from the Real Jesus who does see me. I'm just not feeling it.

Then Matt may share where he has been. He may confess how he has let his mind meander. The immediate gut-punch reaction I want to throw at him is softened because he literally just showed me God’s love and grace. Instead of rebuke, I return the gifts he gave me. Then I ask him what he really needs, and we come up with a plan.

Do you know what I am actually describing here? Intimacy. Not just mixed-orientation marriage intimacy, but true, godly, I-see-you-and-you-see-me lasting intimacy that can take place in any godly marriage or in any godly friendship.

This is why when people ask me how our marriage works I often cry. Not out of sorrow, but out of this tender, precious, grace/love/mercy place in my heart that loves Matt so, so deeply.  From a place that has received grace and offers grace. From a place that has been seen and loved. Our marriage may not begin with eros love, but it lives off of our-souls-see-each-other-and-connect love.

We are not a “normal” couple, and yet we very much are. We are two broken people committed to each other and the sanctification process—both of which produce greater intimacy than the world can offer or sometimes believe. 

Here’s to another eight-y years, hon.
Picture
Take the Next Right Step:
  1. Respond: After reading this, does our marriage seem so different from other marriages? 
  2. Reflect: If you are reading this thinking, "Well, good for you. There's no way I could have that type of honesty with my spouse." I want to encourage two things: 1. Alter your thinking from "Are we going to make it?" to "How are we going to make it?" and start gathering your tools to help you succeed. That subtle shift has helped when marriage has seemed hopeless. 2. Reach out. Now. Tell someone. Tell many someones. "We need help." Satan wants to make your marriage health seem like an impossible, immovable mountain. But guess what? God is in the mountain-moving business. Not just for the mixed-orientation marriage folk, but for every flipping marriage. Get wise people around you who have faith when you don't have it. 
  3. Read: No matter what "type" of marriage you have, you may not always connect at some level. Check out "My Husband Isn't My Best Friend" by Juli Slattery for some practical ideas.
  4. Read: If you are wondering how to turn your spouse or friend relationship into one that holds you to effective accountability, read "Taking Account of Accountability in the Lust Battle" by John Michael Cusick. 
  5. Read: Some more encouraging pieces on mixed-orientation marriages on the Spiritual Friendship site.
  6. Listen: This song, "The Gravity of Love" by The Brilliance is just...brilliant. (Ha ha.) It nods to one of my favorite verses, Psalm 121:1. 
18 Comments
Steve Krieg
2/7/2017 07:32:19 am

It's interesting that this is the topic of your new blog. I just finished a book last week that had a couple of quotes that I wrote in my personal journal. Here is one of them.
"Love cannot be called true unless two people know the pains of one another as well as the joys.."
From -The Devil Walks in Mattingly - by Billy Coffey

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/7/2017 11:18:40 am

Legit. What would only knowing the joys be? Fake. That's not what Jesus knows of us...even though we don't go to him with our pain or our joy sometimes. He knows both; let's share both. And with our spouses... Thanks for reading and commenting!

Reply
carolyn schroeder
2/7/2017 08:36:00 am

Laurie, this is such a beautiful tribute to your marriage and your vulnerability is so fresh, honest and humble as you present your heart to Jesus and let Him do with it what He wants. Carolyn

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/7/2017 11:19:46 am

Oh, dear Carolyn. You know the depths of truth of this blog. You have traveled so much with me/us! (Before there was an "us"!) Thanks for being one of the people I call. Bless you.

Reply
Gay
2/7/2017 11:22:09 am

Wow. Laurie, you are challenging your readers in the most amazing way, in the name of Jesus. I am both blessed and blown away. May God richly bless you, your marriage and Matt. Thank you!!

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/7/2017 11:25:55 am

Thank you, Gay. As always, I freak out a bit (sometimes more than a bit) when I post pretty much anything. It's nice to know people see beyond me when I write. That makes it worth it.

Reply
Mara
2/7/2017 12:30:10 pm

"...He looked down at us--denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him--and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED."
If only we were tethered to Christ so much so, that this truth BLEEDS into the trivialities of our imperfect, yet covenant, marriages. He STAYED because, at that moment, it was only about the other. Not about the fact that the perfect King of the Universe was dying an unjust death. It was about His beloved. And only His Beloved. His very frail and fallen Beloved.
I want to be THIS kind of love to the ONLY one whom I made a covenant promise to15.5 years ago.
Thank you for persevering through the muck and mire of this 8 year journey with Matt, in order to give testimony to what the Gospel really means, even today. Through your vulnerability, you are doing a good job kicking Satan in the teeth, "embracing the imperfections, the chaos, the holy mess of your beautiful lives". God bless you guys today, and for the next 80 years. ☺️

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/7/2017 12:53:41 pm

Yes! So good. I thought something along those lines while writing and tried to file it away for later in my mind... Sin bleeds, but so does righteousness. Thank your for penning such a beautiful addition, Mara. God bless you for the next 15.5 and 50.

Reply
Bill Grandi link
2/7/2017 01:59:54 pm

Such vulnerability is so rare laurie. I'm happy for you and Matt as you work through this jungle of "self-thought" vs what the Bible teaches. I applaud your openness to each other. I pray you don't lose that as your marriage ages.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/9/2017 05:49:37 am

Thanks so much, Bill. Your comments mean a lot. I agree with your prayer. Humility, death to self...especially with those closest to us is incredibly difficult. May we never get out of the habit of humility.

Reply
Dann
2/7/2017 03:01:11 pm

Even though I'm also in a mixed orientation marriage, I have found what you say about intimacy to be SO true! Especially the comment about the weakness being the "glue." Reminds me of someone else who we we both know-Jesus! What if he'd not become weak for us? 27 years of marriage hadn't happened by my wife & I being "strong" and never being weak! Thanks Laurie.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/9/2017 05:50:26 am

Yes...the great juxtaposition: strength from weakness. Thanks for sharing some of your story, Dann. Blessings on you and 27 more!

Reply
Amy
2/20/2017 03:10:00 am

Thanks so much for this post! I'm one of your sisters in Christ who experiences same-sex attraction. I'm open to a mixed-orientation marriage in the future if that's where God leads, but the thought also scares me. This post really encouraged me and I know I'll come back to it and read it again in the future.

Also... I had literally just purchased the song Gravity of Love right before reading your post, and had it playing as I was reading your words. And then to my surprise, you mentioned it there at the end! No coincidence. :)

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/20/2017 06:41:13 am

No way! That's so cool, Amy. Nope. Not a coincidence.

Thanks for sharing a piece of you story. This type of marriage is not for the faint of heart, but...no marriage is. No life following Jesus is.

Let us know if you ever want to talk. Emailing us is great, too. Blessings. :) Thanks for reading.

Reply
Samantha
2/6/2018 12:13:04 pm

It's funny, to read this. A couple weeks ago my husband came out to me. I've been struggling to find positive support. We have two children together and people think it's just easy to "quit". You can't quit love. Love is more than someone's sexual orientation.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/9/2018 11:07:55 am

Yes. I hear you. You can't just quit love. If you need support, hit us up at laurie@himhministries.com. You're walking a tough road, and we hear you.

Reply
Eric
2/21/2018 08:28:15 pm

Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your insights - so true! My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years with 2 young kids. I came out to her while we were dating. I only recently came across the term mixed-orientation marriage and have been discouraged by most of what I’ve found and didn’t really feel that it described my marriage. Your post comes the closest and it is so encouraging to know there are others in this type of relationship. Thank you.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
2/22/2018 09:00:30 am

Praise God. He loves you (both) so much. I hope we can continue to encourage one another.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    //About the Author

    Picture
    Laurie Krieg is broken, beloved, and gospel-addicted. Read more about her here.

      //Sign
      upto Receive Blog Updates

    Submit

    //Recent Posts

    Episode 34: How We Heal
    4.23.18
    How has the Krieg marriage been healing this last year? It's a real-life update.

    Episode 33: Sexual Discipleship

    4.13.18
    We are all sexually discipled. The question is not "if we are" but 'by whom'? Let's talk about how we, the Church, can sexually disciple better.

    Episode 32: Guiding Families
    4.8.18
    How can parents and leaders of LGBT+ people love them like Jesus?
    Guest: Bill Henson

    Are We in Love with Our Baristas?
    4.3.18
    What's the heart of attraction toward someone?

    Episode 31: How to Talk with the Kids
    3.30.18
    We have to talk with our kids about sex and sexuality, but how do we do it biblically?
    Guest: Branson Parler


    Episode 30: Women Struggle with Lust, Too
    3.23.18
    They do. (We do.) Quite a bit. Why are we so under-resourced and under-discussed?
    ​Guest: Amy Riordan

    Episode 29: It Takes a Village
    3.18.18
    How can youth pastors walk alongside LGBT+ youth well? 
    Guest: Ray Low

    Changing Theology, Not Orientation
    3.16.18
    One student's journey with her faith and sexuality
    Guest: Katie Melone

    Focus on Which Family?
    3.7.18
    How can we relate as a biblical family--single or married? 
    Guest: Dr. Branson Parler

    Podcast Episode 27: What's Really Best for the Kids?
    3.2.18
    How can we disciple our kids without hurting their hearts?

    Podcast Episode 26: Marriage: What Is It Good For?
    2.23.18
    The team draws timely connections between marriage, singleness, LGBT+ people, and the Church.
    Guest: Branson Parler

    The Day I Became Wonder Woman
    2.23.18
    Can God heal painful memories? Yeah.
    ​
    Podcast Episode 25: Friends in Low Places
    2.16.18
    How can you be a helpful friend to someone in pain? How can you be a helpful person in pain to your friends? Let's talk about it.
    ​Guest: Tammy Perlmutter

    The Three Spiritual Identities
    2.11.18
    Performance? Grace? Or Love? Where do you live?

    Podcast Episode 24: Is There Hope for Us?
    2.7.18
    On our nine-year anniversary, we ask that question.

    Podcast Episode 23: Don't Waste Your Marriage
    2.2.18
    How can we not waste it? Get on mission.

    The Secret Rooms of Our Hearts
    1.23.18
    How can we connect our hearts in the midst of processing trauma?

    Podcast Episode 22: 
    Learn to Fight Well

    1.19.18
    Hint: Fighting well is not about fighting well, but about looking like Jesus.

    Chronic Soul Pain
    1.19.18
    Do you suffer from chronic pain of the soul? We all do. Let's stop pretending we don't--in community.
     
    Podcast Episode 21: Pursue the Perfect Marriage
    1.13.18
    What does perfection in marriage look like?

    Podcast Episode 20: Marriage Is Not That Great
    1.6.17
    Is there a different set of rules for marriages like ours?

    What Do You Want? 
    12.31.17
    Laurie was due for a spiritual and marital audit, and she found herself before a holy God.
    ​
    Podcast Episode 19: I'm Coming Out
    12.22.17
    What was it like to come out to a friend for the first time? Laurie and that friend talk about it.

    Podcast Episode 18: The Loneliness of Leadership
    12.15.17
    Is loneliness a "required course" for leadership as Elisabeth Elliot said? Let's talk about it.

    Times They are  Changin'
    12.15.17
    Matt is moving on to other things--but he's still here. (We explain.)

    Podcast Episode 17: The James Progression
    12.7.17
    How about we talk about a shame-free version of avoiding temptation?

    Podcast Episode 16: Concern and Hope for the Church
    12.1.17
    What is a gift we can receive in the midst of all the polarity we see today? Guest: Dr. Matthew Tuininga

    Podcast Episode 15: The New Health and Wealth Gospel
    ​
    11.16.17
    Does God want us to be happy? Guest: Gregory Coles

    Podcast Episode 14:
    Idolatry of Sex

    11.11.17
    How can we, the Church, look more like the Church? We need to look at what we worship.

    Podcast Episode 13: 
    Marriage Matters
    11.3.17
    How can we cultivate intimacy in the tough seasons?

    Podcast Episode 12: Heart to Heart Prayer with Carolyn
    10.27.17
    Hear the heart of Laurie's longtime counselor, mentor, and friend.

    Chicken Love {A Guest Post From My Sister}
    10.26.17
    Like chickens, we can peck at each other, but we often just peck at ourselves.

    Podcast Episode 11: Forgiveness Is the Worst Best, Too
    10.21.17
    How do we truly forgive someone...in real life?
    ​
    Podcast Episode 10: Lament Is the Worst Best
    10.13.17
    Why do we got to feel the sad stuff of life?

    Against you, and you alone
    10.11.17
    We need something more convicting than the pain of a person.

    Podcast Episode 9: Pillar Practices
    10.6.17
    Pastor Marvin Williams joins us to share what keeps him tethered to Christ.

    Podcast Episode 8: Pillar People
    9.29.17
    Pastor David Beelen shares the critical people and practices in his life that have and do shape him to look and sound more like Jesus.
    ​
    Podcast Episode 7: Holy Hate?
    9.21.17
    Is there a time for Holy Hatred?

    Why I can't hate people anymore
    9.5.17
    Looking into her enemies' hearts won't let Laurie hate them anymore.

    Our friend, Greg Coles, on suffering well
    8.25.17
    Greg is leading worship at Caring Well. Here are some stellar pages from his book.

    Why I am so excited
    8.21.17
    The Caring Well conference is coming. I'm stoked. Here's why.

    So long, Shame
    8.11.17
    Shame snuck up on Laurie again.

    Three guest posts for Lies Young Women Believe
    7.7.17
    To the Girl Wrestling with her Sexuality, Who is Safe to Tell?, What do to with Painful Rejection

    Orlando reflections
    6.27.17
    Matt was finally able to name why he loved being with LGBT+/SSA Christians.

    Why Christians can care about LGBT+ people
    5.22.17
    Because...Jesus.

    What the world (my world) needs now is little, honest laments
    5.9.17
    We got to get the pain out.

    How can we really love people?
    ​3.29.17
    It takes experiencing love.

    Pillar People
    3.22.17
    Who are the critical characters in our lives?

    What I've learned after eight years in my mixed-orientation marriage
    2.6.17
    Are we really so different from other marriages?

    Addiction, worry, and worship are interchangeable
    1.18.17
    We are made for addiction.

    5 reasons I'm glad I said "see ya" to my smartphone
    12.29.16
    It was keeping Laurie from feeling. That's not okay for someone in "the biz" of healing.

    My regift to you
    12.21.16
    Angela, Laurie's sister, shares hard three memories re-written.

    Two days after...
    11.20.16
    Perhaps there is something (someONE) who can unify us all.

    Now is the time to live like Jesus
    11.11.16
    This is why I cried about the election, and this is what I believe we can do next.

    A response to Jen
    10.31.16
    Rarely, do we get involved in disagreements with fellow Christians about the LGBTQ+ conversation. But, we had to share.
     
    There has to be a better way
    9.30.16
    How should we treat same-sex attracted Christians in the church?

    How vulnerability heals
    9.6.16
    Sometimes, doing the thing we want to do the least is the thing that will heal us the most.
    ​
    Inviting Jesus into anxiety
    8.26.16
    Fear has felt out-of-control after having a baby; inviting Jesus into it (even if he doesn't fix it) helps
     
    A new identity
    ​
    8.11.16
    Matt writes about a friend's affairs before and after coming to Christ--and how his identity was affected. 

    Guest Post: Can't I just trust him, already?
    7.22.16
    Another guest writer reflects honestly on how her lack of trust leads her to fantasy.
    ​
    Guest Post: A reflection on "Living with Longing"
    7.14.16
    A guest writer reflects on how she practically makes it through the temptation to run from God instead of to him. 

    Living with longing
    7.5.16
    Sometimes, you just have to endure.

    A response to Orlando: Don't stop caring
    6.16.16.
    Let's not redraw the lines in the sand.

    We men need friends, too
    6.7.16
    Matt talks through how he didn't need a romantic interaction. He needed friendship.

    No shadow of shame
    5.23.16
    Laurie again faces the shame she fights. (Also, a word about the "T" in LGBTQ)

    One year ago...
    5.4.16
    Laurie reflects on the journey of Matt's pornography addiction recovery over the last year.

    ​10 ways to make your church safer
    4.19.16
    Hint: It starts with the individual.

    We apologize for the delay
    4.13.16
    We are going to take a blogging break as we move our home and office.

    The benefits of opening locked memories
    3.31.16
    There are certain memories that seem off limits. But is it worth it to keep them locked up forever?

    Know self, know God (and vice-versa)
    3.15.16
    We share an excerpt from The Gift of Being Yourself regarding the relationship between self-knowledge and God-knowledge.

    I want my daughter to grow up bored
    3.10.16
    Boredom is...boring. But the neurological and spiritual costs of constant entertainment can be devastating.

    Not an identity
    3.1.16
    Laurie guest writes for Cornerstone University about how her struggle is often viewed differently from Matt's.

    Guest Post: How God saved me and my marriage
    2.23.16
    A guest writer explains how God rescued her from a life of death.

    When I am tempted to unforgive
    2. 9.16
    ​Laurie describes what she does when she wants to take back her "right" to pay Matt back.

    The slow descent
    1.26.16
    Matt compares pornography addiction to hiking down the Grand Canyon.

    I'd rather not self-reflect, thank you
    1.19.16
    Matt sampled single fatherhood for a week, and wrestled with avoiding internal reflection in the midst of busyness and boredom.

    Word for the year (and how it might look)
    1.5.16
    Laurie doesn't do resolutions anymore. (Too much opportunity for shame.) This year her word is "abide."
    ​
    Don't let me wallow
    12.29.15
    Is a life with same-sex attractions a doomed life?

    Don't give up
    12.15.15
    For all the chronic pain sufferers...

    //Go to archives

All fall short. All are loved.
​HIMHMinistries.com
  • Welcome
  • Blog
    • Blog Archives
  • About
    • About the Ministry
    • Videos & Podcasts
    • Endorsements
    • Core Needs
    • Resources >
      • Gay Friendly
  • Journey Well
  • Podcast
  • Contact
  • Partner
✕