What I would have missed

Over the past four weeks, I have intentionally stayed away from reading news articles about changes regarding new gay marriage rights. I have not opened articles that refer to the pope's new perspective on homosexuality. I avoided clicking on opinion pieces regarding same-sex attraction and the church.

This avoidance was a part of what I viewed as my maternity leave from work.

However, I have seen enough headlines (obviously), and heard enough quick bits in the morning news to inspire thoughts about what if...

That could be me, I thought as I saw a news clip of two women getting married. I did not feel a pang of longing; it was a lightbulb of realization: That could be me.

I looked down at the beautiful girl in my arms. Look at what I would have missed.

I get that if I had chosen to live as a gay person (note I did not say "choose to have same-sex attractions"--I do not choose that) my partner or I could have been artificially inseminated...etc. etc. But it would not have been Winnie. It would have been someone else.

I ache as I think about what I would have missed. I would have missed her. 

Winnie is not a prize for choosing Matt. Matt is not a prize for choosing a man instead of woman.  They are an undeserved gift. 

The "prize" I receive for choosing Christ to fill the needs of my heart instead of a woman, food, pride, fear...is more of Him. Is more of His love. Is more of His healing.

Matt and Winnie are underserved bonuses. 

They do not "fix" me. (Nothing "fixes" me). Jesus Christ fills me.

But if I did not choose to let Christ fill that aching void in my heart--I would have no Winnie.

I would miss her huge smiles at 2:30 in the morning. (When was the last time I genuinely smiled at 2:30 a.m.--if ever?)

I would miss the just-rightness I feel when she perfectly fits in the crook of my arm.

I would miss the pride I feel for simply getting out the door with a shower and the right shoes on. (I have stepped out of our house in my slippers and said, "Oh, forget it," and went anyways.)

I would miss tearing up over photos I took a few weeks ago because "she's getting so big already!" 

Yes, I would miss the diapers so dirty that she poops out her entire outfit twice in ten minutes, the craving a nap so much I can taste it, and the banging my head against the couch (or wall) because I can't stand the crying anymore...

But none of those things matter because I wouldn't have her.  There would be no Winnie.

Praise God. I don't deserve her. But thank you, dearest Lord, for this underserved gift. 

" Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.  He never changes or casts a shifting shadow."

***An aside for those of you who have same-sex attractions and cannot even imagine getting married someday: 

God is with you. Keep on the path you are on. You could write your own list of "What I would miss" had you not chosen to run after Jesus instead of choose the easier route of living as a gay person. (Yes, you have chosen the harder path.)

People have argued with me that "it is so sad" that some people who are believers simply cannot have that compainionship/children etc. that married people have because they do not have those opposite-sex attractions and never will. 

To them I say, "We have no idea what amazing things God wants to do in that single life that we miss out on as married people." 

I can guarantee you that you have more time and perhaps greater capacity to receive the love of Jesus than us married folk can. We have no idea what we  miss out on because of the life God has mapped out for you as a single person.

So, carry on, faithful sheep. I will, too.