by Laurie Krieg
Recently, several people have asked me what I do when I'm struggling with temptation. I thought posting it here might uplift some of you who wrestle similarly to me (or with another form of brokenness...brokenness is brokenness.) 1. Run. In that moment of temptation, I flee however I can. If I can leave that tempting environment, I do. If I can turn something off, I do. If I need to distract myself with something else, I do. Whatever will give me in-the-moment victory, I go for it. If I cannot physically leave, I fix my eyes on Jesus in my mind, and say, "Help me, Lord, help me, Lord..." on repeat until I am able to leave. It might feel like a hurricane of temptation, but I work extremely hard to keep my eyes on him until I can make an exit. 1B. Celebrate and Confess. If and when I make it through a temptation without falling, I celebrate this. I might literally give myself a pat on the back--or an extra cookie after dinner. Funny, but true. If I don't, if I stumble even mentally, I go to a trusted friend and confess (this is Matt for me). Telling someone isn't some attempt at self-flagellation; it is a biblical way to free myself from the shame and secrecy into which Satan would like to trap me. FYI: I never, ever want to confess, but I am always, always glad I did. I feel lighter, freer, and no longer owned by the sin I committed. 2. Timeout. I have a choice after/during a temptation moment to either A. Dive into the temptation, or B. Dive into shame because I felt tempted. I'm actually going to submit to you that there is a third choice: give yourself a timeout of reflection. Go alone before God, set your phone/computer/iPad far away, grab your Bible/journal (or only yourself), and do some hard self-reflecting. Ask, "What's going on with me, Lord? What am I craving in ______ [person/thing/etc.]" (I recognize that this is not easy. We are busy, we feel weird, we have 45,000 things to do, but it is worth it.) 3. Answer it. "I'm craving..." Usually, whatever you say can fall into one of these seven categories/core needs:*
For example, if I am feeling like I just want someone to look me in the eye and tell me I am special, this could be because I have a God-given need to feel unique. Or, if I am feeling lonely, and want to be seen as worth being with, this could be because I have a God-given need to feel worth something. 4. Go further. Then I ask myself, "Will _____ [person/thing/etc.] really tell me enough that I am unique and special? Will she really look me in the eyes enough? Never leave me? Never stop focusing on me like I crave?" Think about it. Really, think about it. "No. She won't. She will have to go to work, go to sleep, she will have needs herself. (How annoying!) She will never be enough." 5. Look upward. "Fine! I quit! She doesn't satisfy, my husband isn't enough, so what or who is?" This is where our image of God matters greatly. “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us,” Theologian AW Tozer said. I need men and women in my life who not only will help me uncover deep wounding, but will show me the Real God who can speak into deep wounds.** This doesn't mean "fixing me" or my sexual orientation. This means helping me to see that Jesus isn't the injurer; he is the doctor. He isn't the one causing this loneliness and desire to be seen; he understands abandonment. He is acquainted with my grief, and was tempted in every way. When I can see Jesus with the right eyes for who he really is, I am able to receive his truth for me in this exact need. 6. Receive what you really crave. So, if I'm feeling lonely and want to be seen, where does the Bible talk about Jesus being one who sees me like I need? One place (of many): "I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there... You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."--Psalm 139: 7,8,16 Okay, well, is he really someone who can be with me as much as I need? "[B]e sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”--Matthew 28:20 "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."--Deuteronomy 31:6 I can read these words and duct tape them to my brain. That won't help. But, if I can see Jesus as one who is open to receive me, and then close my eyes and meditate on what he is speaking until this truth travels from my brain to my heart, I will feel some relief from the grip of temptation. 7. Offer thanks, and repeat as necessary. I am "prone to wander," and this process is my usual go-to. When I first began doing this--along with the deep work I needed to do with counseling--the temptations became way less frequent or intense. I can't explain it outside of the fact that God is really what all of our hearts crave, and with whom we are truly satisfied. Final thought: Doing this process alone probably isn't going to do much for your longterm growth. It might offer some help (it may be all you need), but if you have a lot of inner work to do, please seek additional help with a trained counselor or pastor. They will help you to sort out past pain, and this could be a good tool to assist in that work. If you are interested in the care I had, please check out this list of similarly trained counselors in your area. (I do not know all of those counselors personally to give them a personal recommendation, but they have received the training.) *To read more about this, please read Terry Wardle's book Healing Care, Healing Prayer. **I have been to many different counselors, and the only one who helped me was one who focused not on my identity as a sexual struggler, but on my identity as an image bearer. To find a list of counselors trained similarly to the one I saw, please see this list and visit this site to learn more. P.S. Here is something similar, written by John Piper.
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//About the AuthorLaurie Krieg is broken, beloved, and gospel-addicted. Read more about her here.
//Recent PostsEpisode 34: How We Heal
4.23.18 How has the Krieg marriage been healing this last year? It's a real-life update. Episode 33: Sexual Discipleship 4.13.18 We are all sexually discipled. The question is not "if we are" but 'by whom'? Let's talk about how we, the Church, can sexually disciple better. Episode 32: Guiding Families 4.8.18 How can parents and leaders of LGBT+ people love them like Jesus? Guest: Bill Henson Are We in Love with Our Baristas? 4.3.18 What's the heart of attraction toward someone? Episode 31: How to Talk with the Kids 3.30.18 We have to talk with our kids about sex and sexuality, but how do we do it biblically? Guest: Branson Parler Episode 30: Women Struggle with Lust, Too 3.23.18 They do. (We do.) Quite a bit. Why are we so under-resourced and under-discussed? Guest: Amy Riordan Episode 29: It Takes a Village 3.18.18 How can youth pastors walk alongside LGBT+ youth well? Guest: Ray Low Changing Theology, Not Orientation 3.16.18 One student's journey with her faith and sexuality Guest: Katie Melone Focus on Which Family? 3.7.18 How can we relate as a biblical family--single or married? Guest: Dr. Branson Parler Podcast Episode 27: What's Really Best for the Kids? 3.2.18 How can we disciple our kids without hurting their hearts? Podcast Episode 26: Marriage: What Is It Good For? 2.23.18 The team draws timely connections between marriage, singleness, LGBT+ people, and the Church. Guest: Branson Parler The Day I Became Wonder Woman 2.23.18 Can God heal painful memories? Yeah. Podcast Episode 25: Friends in Low Places 2.16.18 How can you be a helpful friend to someone in pain? How can you be a helpful person in pain to your friends? Let's talk about it. Guest: Tammy Perlmutter The Three Spiritual Identities 2.11.18 Performance? Grace? Or Love? Where do you live? Podcast Episode 24: Is There Hope for Us? 2.7.18 On our nine-year anniversary, we ask that question. Podcast Episode 23: Don't Waste Your Marriage 2.2.18 How can we not waste it? Get on mission. The Secret Rooms of Our Hearts 1.23.18 How can we connect our hearts in the midst of processing trauma? Podcast Episode 22: Learn to Fight Well 1.19.18 Hint: Fighting well is not about fighting well, but about looking like Jesus. Chronic Soul Pain 1.19.18 Do you suffer from chronic pain of the soul? We all do. Let's stop pretending we don't--in community. Podcast Episode 21: Pursue the Perfect Marriage 1.13.18 What does perfection in marriage look like? Podcast Episode 20: Marriage Is Not That Great 1.6.17 Is there a different set of rules for marriages like ours? What Do You Want? 12.31.17 Laurie was due for a spiritual and marital audit, and she found herself before a holy God. Podcast Episode 19: I'm Coming Out 12.22.17 What was it like to come out to a friend for the first time? Laurie and that friend talk about it. Podcast Episode 18: The Loneliness of Leadership 12.15.17 Is loneliness a "required course" for leadership as Elisabeth Elliot said? Let's talk about it. Times They are Changin' 12.15.17 Matt is moving on to other things--but he's still here. (We explain.) Podcast Episode 17: The James Progression 12.7.17 How about we talk about a shame-free version of avoiding temptation? Podcast Episode 16: Concern and Hope for the Church 12.1.17 What is a gift we can receive in the midst of all the polarity we see today? Guest: Dr. Matthew Tuininga Podcast Episode 15: The New Health and Wealth Gospel 11.16.17 Does God want us to be happy? Guest: Gregory Coles Podcast Episode 14: Idolatry of Sex 11.11.17 How can we, the Church, look more like the Church? We need to look at what we worship. Podcast Episode 13: Marriage Matters 11.3.17 How can we cultivate intimacy in the tough seasons? Podcast Episode 12: Heart to Heart Prayer with Carolyn 10.27.17 Hear the heart of Laurie's longtime counselor, mentor, and friend. Chicken Love {A Guest Post From My Sister} 10.26.17 Like chickens, we can peck at each other, but we often just peck at ourselves. Podcast Episode 11: Forgiveness Is the Worst Best, Too 10.21.17 How do we truly forgive someone...in real life? Podcast Episode 10: Lament Is the Worst Best 10.13.17 Why do we got to feel the sad stuff of life? Against you, and you alone 10.11.17 We need something more convicting than the pain of a person. Podcast Episode 9: Pillar Practices 10.6.17 Pastor Marvin Williams joins us to share what keeps him tethered to Christ. Podcast Episode 8: Pillar People 9.29.17 Pastor David Beelen shares the critical people and practices in his life that have and do shape him to look and sound more like Jesus. Podcast Episode 7: Holy Hate? 9.21.17 Is there a time for Holy Hatred? Why I can't hate people anymore 9.5.17 Looking into her enemies' hearts won't let Laurie hate them anymore. Our friend, Greg Coles, on suffering well 8.25.17 Greg is leading worship at Caring Well. Here are some stellar pages from his book. Why I am so excited 8.21.17 The Caring Well conference is coming. I'm stoked. Here's why. So long, Shame 8.11.17 Shame snuck up on Laurie again. Three guest posts for Lies Young Women Believe 7.7.17 To the Girl Wrestling with her Sexuality, Who is Safe to Tell?, What do to with Painful Rejection Orlando reflections 6.27.17 Matt was finally able to name why he loved being with LGBT+/SSA Christians. Why Christians can care about LGBT+ people 5.22.17 Because...Jesus. What the world (my world) needs now is little, honest laments 5.9.17 We got to get the pain out. How can we really love people? 3.29.17 It takes experiencing love. Pillar People 3.22.17 Who are the critical characters in our lives? What I've learned after eight years in my mixed-orientation marriage 2.6.17 Are we really so different from other marriages? Addiction, worry, and worship are interchangeable 1.18.17 We are made for addiction. 5 reasons I'm glad I said "see ya" to my smartphone 12.29.16 It was keeping Laurie from feeling. That's not okay for someone in "the biz" of healing. My regift to you 12.21.16 Angela, Laurie's sister, shares hard three memories re-written. Two days after... 11.20.16 Perhaps there is something (someONE) who can unify us all. Now is the time to live like Jesus 11.11.16 This is why I cried about the election, and this is what I believe we can do next. A response to Jen 10.31.16 Rarely, do we get involved in disagreements with fellow Christians about the LGBTQ+ conversation. But, we had to share. There has to be a better way 9.30.16 How should we treat same-sex attracted Christians in the church? How vulnerability heals 9.6.16 Sometimes, doing the thing we want to do the least is the thing that will heal us the most. Inviting Jesus into anxiety 8.26.16 Fear has felt out-of-control after having a baby; inviting Jesus into it (even if he doesn't fix it) helps A new identity 8.11.16 Matt writes about a friend's affairs before and after coming to Christ--and how his identity was affected. Guest Post: Can't I just trust him, already? 7.22.16 Another guest writer reflects honestly on how her lack of trust leads her to fantasy. Guest Post: A reflection on "Living with Longing" 7.14.16 A guest writer reflects on how she practically makes it through the temptation to run from God instead of to him. Living with longing 7.5.16 Sometimes, you just have to endure. A response to Orlando: Don't stop caring 6.16.16. Let's not redraw the lines in the sand. We men need friends, too 6.7.16 Matt talks through how he didn't need a romantic interaction. He needed friendship. No shadow of shame 5.23.16 Laurie again faces the shame she fights. (Also, a word about the "T" in LGBTQ) One year ago... 5.4.16 Laurie reflects on the journey of Matt's pornography addiction recovery over the last year. 10 ways to make your church safer 4.19.16 Hint: It starts with the individual. We apologize for the delay 4.13.16 We are going to take a blogging break as we move our home and office. The benefits of opening locked memories 3.31.16 There are certain memories that seem off limits. But is it worth it to keep them locked up forever? Know self, know God (and vice-versa) 3.15.16 We share an excerpt from The Gift of Being Yourself regarding the relationship between self-knowledge and God-knowledge. I want my daughter to grow up bored 3.10.16 Boredom is...boring. But the neurological and spiritual costs of constant entertainment can be devastating. Not an identity 3.1.16 Laurie guest writes for Cornerstone University about how her struggle is often viewed differently from Matt's. Guest Post: How God saved me and my marriage 2.23.16 A guest writer explains how God rescued her from a life of death. When I am tempted to unforgive 2. 9.16 Laurie describes what she does when she wants to take back her "right" to pay Matt back. The slow descent 1.26.16 Matt compares pornography addiction to hiking down the Grand Canyon. I'd rather not self-reflect, thank you 1.19.16 Matt sampled single fatherhood for a week, and wrestled with avoiding internal reflection in the midst of busyness and boredom. Word for the year (and how it might look) 1.5.16 Laurie doesn't do resolutions anymore. (Too much opportunity for shame.) This year her word is "abide." Don't let me wallow 12.29.15 Is a life with same-sex attractions a doomed life? Don't give up 12.15.15 For all the chronic pain sufferers... //Go to archives |