by Matt Krieg What would happen if we shut off the world’s devices for a day, a week, or a month? What if there was no Internet, no gaming, no Netflix, and no screen-filled busyness to distract us for even one day? What would happen? Laurie and I think that if we did this, we might hear a collective, guttural cry from the pain of loneliness, loss, fear, worthlessness, or shame. This pain is already present in some people. But a vast majority of men and women find a way to drown it out with apps and busyness. Been there. Done that. When I was watching things I shouldn’t, it covered a lot of feelings I held inside. It was my drug of choice to anesthetized me to what was really going on within my emotions. Pornography allowed me not to feel, but it did not heal. I was content in my brokenness because it seemingly cost me nothing. If I hadn’t been prompted by God to begin dealing with it, it may have cost me everything: my wife, my daughter, my job, possibly even my life. (This may seem extreme, but doesn’t all sin—played out to its most extreme version—lead to death?) The God we serve is not content to let us sit in our brokenness. He longs to see us live lives that are full and joyous. But in order to find this joyous life we often must walk through times of letting out that guttural cry. God knows that pain is necessary for us to heal properly, like the setting of a broken bone. But we have to go through the healing instead of pretending something there isn’t anything broken. For many years, I pushed my emotions down. As a man, I felt like I was supposed to be able to withstand any amount of emotional scarring and come out of it unscathed. I don’t know exactly when that lie took root in my life, but I do know that it controlled me for a long time. I prided myself on steadfastness. I never got too high or low emotionally. I was steady. But life isn’t steady, and I was actually feeling. In the midst of what was real life, I was cut, bruised, and broken. I just didn’t let out how I felt about my hurting. I stuffed and covered it. I swallowed my guttural cry.
It’s easier to put on emotional bandages, take metaphorical (or literal) painkillers, and use crutches. We are taught to “walk it off” when playing sports. Tough men and women “walk it off” when they are injured. But when life throws curve balls, we might physically “walk it off" while emotionally still needing the ER. Now that my screens are mostly off (I did write this on our shared computer), emotions I stuffed and covered before are coming to the surface. It’s uncomfortable. It inspires intense discussions with Laurie that should have been talked about years ago. For example, one emotional need I stuffed is the desire to be appreciated and seen as valuable. I did not have the knowledge or ability to deal with the original break I had in junior high, so I put on my own cast of pornography addition, and began limping through life until the pain dulled. Make no mistake, the pain did lessen. As long as I kept my cast on, I didn’t feel it. It didn’t mean it wasn’t there. But as I am feeling it now, I see how it invaded our marriage. Years after the initial break/feeling moment, we are talking about it. Thank you, Lord, because he is our great Physician. He is skilled in healing wounds and setting breaks correctly—even if it’s long after the initial injury. But we have to do this. We have to turn off the noise, pull off the bandages, put down the painkillers, and set our crutches aside long enough to let this Physician begin his work. It does hurt. It is way easier to be anesthetized than feel, or to check sports scores instead of let out the cry. But the joy, depth, and connection I am seeing in marriage, friendships, and my relationship to God is proving to me that: 1. This Physician is skilled, and 2. It is worth it. For more information on pornography addiction: Fight the New Drug--A not-specifically Christian site focused on fighting this addictive behavior Covenant Eyes--A specifically Christian site focused on fighting this addictive behavior Pure Eyes, Clean Heart --A Christian book about a husband's pornography addiction by Jen and Craig Ferguson Pure Life Ministries--Help for men and women with sexual addition For more information on screen addiction and it's impact: Gray Matters: Too Much Screen Time Damages the Brain--Psychology Today Technology use Linked to Fatigue, Stress, and Depression in Young Adults--Huffington Post Why Loneliness is a Growing Public Health Concern--Huffington Post
5 Comments
Sue
11/12/2015 10:33:36 am
Important post. Thank you so much for sharing. I am reminded of an AA motto-- "we are only as sick as our secrets". Silencing our "guttural cries" with anesthetics, as you mentioned... just keep us chained. It's only when we allow what is in our hearts to be acknowledged and brought out into the healing light and "air" of the love of God, can we heal from the inside out. I appreciate your heart. You ARE valuable. You ARE needed. Your life matters. Thanks for being who you are.
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Matt
11/14/2015 09:07:31 am
Thanks Sue! I appreciate the support and encouragement.
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Dan Youle
7/20/2016 06:06:01 pm
Matt-I appreciate you and the description you give of what addiction does! My break occurred as a 5 year old-(molestation), but I didn't see and recognize it until I was 34! It's such a blessing to see reflection on this because whether you know what the break in trust was right away, or don't know until years later, you know you feel worthless, unloved, unwanted, etc., and it hurts. But, the same Great Physician heals both the known and unknown once we stop putting band-aids over the gaping wounds only He can heal!
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Matt
8/1/2016 04:51:37 am
Thanks Dan! We so easily put those bandages over our hurts. Very recently I had to check myself and how much I try to escape from my own life. It seems like even when I have felt the touch of God's healing in my life I can still easily take my eyes off him and try to do things my way.
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Dann Youle
8/2/2016 05:04:05 am
I think maybe as we experience healing we feel much more healing is needed? That hurts!-who DOESN't want to escape their own life when it hurts like that, Matt? At least it makes me more aware of my need and God is the healing balm I hope I run to when trying to escape my own life. I NEED your voice as a man married to someone with SSA just as my wife is married to someone with SSA. God bless you too! Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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//About the AuthorLaurie Krieg is broken, beloved, and gospel-addicted. Read more about her here.
//Recent PostsEpisode 70: The Need to be Affirmed
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