by Laurie Krieg There is a moment in every deep relationship where I feel I hit a wall in the conversation. A friend and I may be talking until we reach the source of her pain. There is no more to uncover. There is no more wounding to find. There is no more to point to as the “why” she does something, or the “how” to heal it (to the best of our mutual knowledge and seeking of the Spirit). We hit a wall of, “So, what do we do with this?” For example, a friend might be struggling with same-sex attractions toward a co-worker. As we walk through some of the structures of healing Matt and I utilize in our counseling practice, she may see the following as we talk: Life Situation--She is in a work situation where it is difficult to be around another woman toward whom she is attracted. Dysfunctional Behavior--She flirts with this woman, but then cuts her arms when she gets home in order to punish herself for her behavior. Feelings--She feels guilty and frustrated by the attractions and cutting; she feels overwhelming shame. Lies and Distortions--She sees a reason she is attracted to this particular girl is because she is feeling utterly worthless. She also feels purposeless, and subconsciously believes when this woman notices her, she is worth something and has purpose. Wounds--She pinpoints several times when an influential family member awarded her with smiles when she acted in a certain way as a child, but neglected her when she didn’t. Core Needs--She sees that the wound from this family member bruised her God-given core need for nurture, purpose, and unconditional love. She confesses unhealthy ways of pursuing nurture, purpose, and unconditional love outside of God, and seeks Jesus’ heart of love for her. She experiences it for the first time in this specific place of pain. But, she still has this attraction toward her co-worker. Perhaps not as strongly, but sometimes it might be. She continues to go through this process of pinpointing her deeper need, and then seeking it in God and in healthy relationships, but the struggle might not go away. Not permanently. This is the wall. She is living with longing. Pre-heaven, pre-new Kingdom here on earth, we constantly crave wholeness.
Paul says in Galatians that we are always fighting unhealthy ways to make ourselves feel better. “The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants…These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” Paul in 1 Corinthians adds, “Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength.” So what do we do in the meantime? What do we do pre-heaven, pre-new Kingdom come? Is it even worth it to do this heart work? Why don’t we just cheat? Date that girl? Have the affair? Click that link? Call that friend before calling on God? As my brother wisely said to me when I was considering diving into life as a lesbian, “You could do that, Laurie. No one is stopping you.” We could do that. We could choose to do any of the things that persistently tempt us. But is it worth it? If the purpose of my life is to “be happy,” then yes. Dance how you want to dance. Do want you want to do. Date who you want to date. But if the purpose of my life is to love God and love others, then I want to welcome anything in my life that makes me more like Jesus—the One who perfectly honored God and loved others. This means learning to live with joy when God says “no” to our requests to remove pain. This means looking at the crowds (or our children or our co-workers) with compassion when we want to run from giving more. This also means loving ourselves enough to get alone when we feel burned out. This means always always always seeking God for our wholeness, and surrounding ourselves with men and women who will push us toward holiness. Jesus did not live a pain-free life. How can we expect anything different? But let’s not even shame ourselves in our desire to live pain-free. Our bodies yearn for Eden. But to cheat and get it before God offers it is to eat cotton candy instead of a Thanksgiving feast. Wait. Endure. Worship in and through the longing. (And in so doing, receive joy in the waiting. It’s inexplicable, but true.) Endurance creates character, and character, hope, and hope does not disappoint us. Yes, there are longings in our lives that may never leave. But instead of looking for the escape route, let’s look for the pathway in and through to make us stronger. Don’t give up.
13 Comments
Lori
7/7/2016 09:27:00 am
Another GOOD WORD! Whether or not we struggle with same sex attraction this applies to all our longings. Thank you for this reminder! GOD MAY OUR GREATEST LONGING BE MORE OF YOU!
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Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 09:38:39 am
Thanks, Lori! The Gospel truth applies to us all. Blessings to you!
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lori Lewis
7/7/2016 10:08:00 am
Worshipping to this song...hope it encourages you
Aunt Pat
7/7/2016 09:42:53 am
I agree with what u write, but question "hope does not disappoint us." We hoped for my sister to be healed of her cancer, and it wasn't. I hoped for a miracle in my marriage, and it ended in divorce. Yet I know that when I hope, it breeds faith, but my experiences of having hope seem to be futile.
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Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 09:52:02 am
For sure. What you are talking about is what I'm trying to talk about: What do we do when it's still hard? Should we just give up? Should we wallow and scream? (Probably. For a while. We need to lament and grieve...knowing Jesus laments and grieves with us.) But then what? Sometimes, life is pain upon more pain. Sometimes life is desert, desert, desert...cup of water!...desert, desert, desert. The only choice we get when faced with the results of a fallen world and fallen people is how we will respond. Should we grieve, forgive, then rejoice in the pain (knowing we are growing as people as a result)? Or grieve, half-forgive, and live in bitterness? You may never know the "whys" of the unhealed cancer or the "whys" of the divorce, but you can choose to get to the heart of it and then grip Jesus' hands as he teaches you how to love and forgive through the pain (and build that character and eat that Thanksgiving meal one day in heaven as your reward for enduring well), or look to coping mechanisms for survival and eat the aforementioned cotton candy now. I'm not saying any of this is fun or easy. But I believe it to be worthwhile. Thanks for your reading and comment, Aunt Pat!
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Kerri Chamberlain
7/7/2016 10:32:01 am
Wow! So good. I met with our friend Carolyn yesterday who guided me to these same conclusions you wrote about. I appreciate what you said about not shaming ourselves in the desire to be pain free. Thank you, this message was for me again today...and everyday.
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Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 10:37:34 am
That's great, Kerri! I'm glad Carolyn sees through a similar lens. Encouraging. ;) I know. I need Galatians 6:9 tattooed on the back of my eyelids!
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Mara
7/7/2016 11:50:00 am
“Relent, Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children.”
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Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 01:42:14 pm
Thanks, Mara. Love the verses and additions on my reflections! That blow-your-socks-off Joy is great. Can't wait until it's permanent in heaven.
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"Jesus did not live a pain-free life. how can we expect anything different?" True that. For all the junk of "God wants you healthy and wealthy" there is the truth of "Life is hard. Life will not be what you hoped or expect. But you are not alone nor are you going to go through this alone. I (Jesus) am here with you." No matter the pain-SSA, porn, lost dreams, addiction of any kind-Jesus is still there. I'm glad for that. Glad you published this Laurie.
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Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 01:43:44 pm
Thanks, Bill. Yes, no matter our issues or pain, Jesus may not take it away, but he will understand.
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Carolyn Schroeder
7/8/2016 03:19:27 am
Such a great encouragement in your blog today. The Lord impressed on me that He is delighted with your truth........Hebrews 12:2 Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer of our faith, For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, despising its shame.
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Laurie Krieg
7/8/2016 04:08:23 am
Thanks so much, Carolyn. I receive that encouragement. Yes! "For the joy...!"
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//About the AuthorLaurie Krieg is broken, beloved, and gospel-addicted. Read more about her here.
//Recent PostsEpisode 70: The Need to be Affirmed
2.15.19 God gives us messages. How do we share them without elevating our own egos? Guest: Shannon Popkin Episode 69: The Need to Be Desired 2.8.19 A mixed-orientation marriage couple talks about the need to be desired and how it relates to their relationship. Guests: Ty and Rachel Wyss Episode 68: The Need for Nurture 2.1.19 If the need to be nurtured is to be cared for or held, how do we invite people to meet the need but not demand it? Guests: Anna Carter and Shannon Ochoa Episode 67: Holy Sexuality and the Gospel 1.25.19 Let's explore identity language, God's gender fluidity (?) and how to navigate friendships in the church. Guest: Christopher Yuan Episode 66: 7 Essential Failures of a Faithful Life 1.18.19 Failure doesn't feel good, but can it be good? Guest: Chad Bird Episode 65: Exploring Our Souls of Shame Part 2 1.11.19 How did shame begin and how can we combat it? Guest: Dr. Curt Thompson Episode 64: Exploring Our Souls of Shame Part 1 1.4.19 The vague feeling of "something is wrong with me" that you or a friend may carry? It has a name. Let's address it. Guest: Dr. Curt Thompson The Heart of Temptation 12.26.18 How do friendship, marriage, and temptation work together? Let's dig in. Episode 63.5: Merry Christmas/Happy New Year! 12.26.18 We look back, we look forward, and we shed a couple tears between the laughs. Because, of course we do. :) Episode 63: Jump Starting Spiritual Disciplines 12.21.18 Are spiritual disciplines only for the "hyper-spiritual"? How can we engage them without feeling like we have to climb a mountain? Guest: Sharon Garlough Brown Episode 62: Let's Admit It: We're All Addicts 12.14.18 Addiction affects everyone--but how can we understand it better and actually get some steps toward freedom? Guest: Dr. Gregory Jantz Episode 61: Keeping the Kids Safe 12.7.18 How can we talk about prevention of childhood sexual abuse in a not-shamey way? The authors of "God Made All of Me" help us out. Guests: Justin and Lindsey Holcomb Don't Miss the Miracle 12.5.18 We are in an age of self-care, but do we ever raise the "self-care" flag when we what we are really doing is giving up? Episode 60: Walking Well as Pastors, Parents, and Therapists 11.30.18 We are honing into three groups of people to equip them to walk well alongside LGBT+ people. Guest: Dr. Mark Yarhouse Episode 59.5: Happy T-Day 2k18 Style 11.19.18 We are thankful for ya--and for Alton Brown's turkeys (bless him). Guest: The regulars Episode 59: A Tiny [Living] Act of Obedience 11.16.18 What do six people and 350-square-feet of living space have to do with obedience and identity? This episode. Guest: Ashley Auerbach Episode 58: If Looks Could Heal 11.9.18 Clothing matters. Why? And how can we dress to express who God made us to be? Guest: Kelli O'Dell Episode 57: The "Whys" Behind Pornography Addiction 11.2.18 An honest look at our stories can give us clues to why we do what we do. Episode 56: Seven Ways to Navigate a Sexually Shifting Culture 10.26.18 Sam Allberry gets practical and big picture in this extremely helpful cultural look. Episode 55: Purity Movement or Sexual Integrity? 10.19.18 In the 90s, there was a large focus on "just saying 'no' to sex before marriage." How did that help and hurt? Guest: Jason Soucinek Episode 54: Family Dinner 10.12.18 We have a weekly dinner with people looking for family-like community. How does that work? Guest: Angela Bowles 18 Things to Do When Getting Real 10.9.18 How can you be vulnerable without getting your heart shredded? Episode 53: Saying "Yes" 10.5.18 It doesn't take a special Christian to say "yes" to Jesus--just an obedient one. Guests: Tom and Dana Mollhagen Three Primary Barriers Between LGBT+ People and the Church 9.28.18 What makes this conversation unlike others? Episode 52: Good Faith Takes Good Courage 9.28.18 Culture believes Christians are extreme and irrelevant. How can we be courageous and loving? Guest: Gabe Lyons Episode 51: Radically Normal 9.21.18 How do we get off of the treadmill of obsessive Christianity and the couch of complacent Christianity? Guest: Josh Kelley Episode 50: Gay Girl, Good God, and Good Marriage 9.14.18 Author, speaker, and poet Jackie Hill Perry cracks open the door of her story and the daily decision to surrender and follow Christ. Guest: Jackie Hill Perry Episode 49: The Awkward Middle 9.6.18 How can we navigate conversations with people with whom we disagree on major issues? Someone who understands both "sides" of one of these conversations helps us navigate this space. Guest: David Bennett Episode 48: How We Heal Part 3 8.31.18 What are some practical ways married people can lean into healing when in a tough spot? Laurie and Matt get real. Episode 47: Spiritual Friendships 8.24.18 What are spiritual friendships? And what is emotional chastity? Guest: Wesley Hill Episode 46: When Your Kid Comes Out 8.17.18 How did Laurie's dad respond to Laurie when she came out? Guest: Randy Hekman Episode 45: At the Intersection of Friendship and Loneliness 8.10.18 How can we make real friends? Guest: Bridget Eileen Episode 44: Jealous of Your Suffering 8.3.18 Let's talk about suffering well. Guest: Daniel Mattson Episode 43.5: H.A.G.S. (Have a great summer) 7.2.18 Let's consider the impact of season one on our own lives, and look toward the future! Episode 43: Getting Campy 6.29.18 How can we love our LGBT+ campers like Jesus? Guest: Susan Titus Episode 42: The Codependency Complication 6.22.18 What are signs of codependency or unhealthy relationships? Guest: Kelly Needham Episode 41: A Gender Conversation 6.14.18 Two stories: One of a child with gender dysphoria. One of a parent to a son with gender dysphoria. Guests: Kat LaPrairie and Kathi Bush Episode 40: The Thing About Temptation 6.8.18 Let's hear an amazing story of God's faithfulness both when we wandered in the past, and when we wander today. Guest: Rachel Gilson Episode 39: Envy, Pride, and Leadership 5.30.18 Envy. The struggle is real. Let's get real with it. Guest: Adam Barr Episode 38: Gender and Jesus 5.25.18 Are there only two genders? What does the Bible say about sex and gender? Guest: Preston Sprinkle Episode 37: The Gospel Comes with a House Key 5.18.18 Let's open the doors of our homes. No doily required. Guest: Rosaria Butterfield What Are We Saying "Yes" To? 5.7.18 Let's not be sin Nazis, rather oneness champions. Episode 36: 20-Somethings and Discipleship 5.4.18 How can we stay connected in our 20s? Guest: Drew Boa Let's Journey Well 5.1.18 We are offering some practical steps for you to lean into the LGBT+ conversation like Jesus. Want to join us? Episode 35: How We Heal Part 2 4.28.18 Authenticity and intimacy--how do they relate to healing? Episode 34: How We Heal 4.23.18 How has the Krieg marriage been healing this last year? It's a real-life update. Episode 33: Sexual Discipleship 4.13.18 We are all sexually discipled. The question is not "if we are" but 'by whom'? Let's talk about how we, the Church, can sexually disciple better. Episode 32: Guiding Families 4.8.18 How can parents and leaders of LGBT+ people love them like Jesus? Guest: Bill Henson Are We in Love with Our Baristas? 4.3.18 What's the heart of attraction toward someone? Episode 31: How to Talk with the Kids 3.30.18 We have to talk with our kids about sex and sexuality, but how do we do it biblically? Guest: Branson Parler Episode 30: Women Struggle with Lust, Too 3.23.18 They do. (We do.) Quite a bit. Why are we so under-resourced and under-discussed? Guest: Amy Riordan Episode 29: It Takes a Village 3.18.18 How can youth pastors walk alongside LGBT+ youth well? Guest: Ray Low Changing Theology, Not Orientation 3.16.18 One student's journey with her faith and sexuality Guest: Katie Melone Focus on Which Family? 3.7.18 How can we relate as a biblical family--single or married? Guest: Dr. Branson Parler Podcast Episode 27: What's Really Best for the Kids? 3.2.18 How can we disciple our kids without hurting their hearts? Podcast Episode 26: Marriage: What Is It Good For? 2.23.18 The team draws timely connections between marriage, singleness, LGBT+ people, and the Church. Guest: Branson Parler The Day I Became Wonder Woman 2.23.18 Can God heal painful memories? Yeah. Podcast Episode 25: Friends in Low Places 2.16.18 How can you be a helpful friend to someone in pain? How can you be a helpful person in pain to your friends? Let's talk about it. Guest: Tammy Perlmutter The Three Spiritual Identities 2.11.18 Performance? Grace? Or Love? Where do you live? Podcast Episode 24: Is There Hope for Us? 2.7.18 On our nine-year anniversary, we ask that question. Podcast Episode 23: Don't Waste Your Marriage 2.2.18 How can we not waste it? Get on mission. The Secret Rooms of Our Hearts 1.23.18 How can we connect our hearts in the midst of processing trauma? Podcast Episode 22: Learn to Fight Well 1.19.18 Hint: Fighting well is not about fighting well, but about looking like Jesus. Chronic Soul Pain 1.19.18 Do you suffer from chronic pain of the soul? We all do. Let's stop pretending we don't--in community. Podcast Episode 21: Pursue the Perfect Marriage 1.13.18 What does perfection in marriage look like? Podcast Episode 20: Marriage Is Not That Great 1.6.17 Is there a different set of rules for marriages like ours? What Do You Want? 12.31.17 Laurie was due for a spiritual and marital audit, and she found herself before a holy God. Podcast Episode 19: I'm Coming Out 12.22.17 What was it like to come out to a friend for the first time? Laurie and that friend talk about it. Podcast Episode 18: The Loneliness of Leadership 12.15.17 Is loneliness a "required course" for leadership as Elisabeth Elliot said? Let's talk about it. Times They are Changin' 12.15.17 Matt is moving on to other things--but he's still here. (We explain.) Podcast Episode 17: The James Progression 12.7.17 How about we talk about a shame-free version of avoiding temptation? Podcast Episode 16: Concern and Hope for the Church 12.1.17 What is a gift we can receive in the midst of all the polarity we see today? Guest: Dr. Matthew Tuininga Podcast Episode 15: The New Health and Wealth Gospel 11.16.17 Does God want us to be happy? Guest: Gregory Coles Podcast Episode 14: Idolatry of Sex 11.11.17 How can we, the Church, look more like the Church? We need to look at what we worship. 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Podcast Episode 7: Holy Hate? 9.21.17 Is there a time for Holy Hatred? Why I can't hate people anymore 9.5.17 Looking into her enemies' hearts won't let Laurie hate them anymore. Our friend, Greg Coles, on suffering well 8.25.17 Greg is leading worship at Caring Well. Here are some stellar pages from his book. Why I am so excited 8.21.17 The Caring Well conference is coming. I'm stoked. Here's why. So long, Shame 8.11.17 Shame snuck up on Laurie again. Three guest posts for Lies Young Women Believe 7.7.17 To the Girl Wrestling with her Sexuality, Who is Safe to Tell?, What do to with Painful Rejection Orlando reflections 6.27.17 Matt was finally able to name why he loved being with LGBT+/SSA Christians. Why Christians can care about LGBT+ people 5.22.17 Because...Jesus. What the world (my world) needs now is little, honest laments 5.9.17 We got to get the pain out. How can we really love people? 3.29.17 It takes experiencing love. Pillar People 3.22.17 Who are the critical characters in our lives? What I've learned after eight years in my mixed-orientation marriage 2.6.17 Are we really so different from other marriages? Addiction, worry, and worship are interchangeable 1.18.17 We are made for addiction. 5 reasons I'm glad I said "see ya" to my smartphone 12.29.16 It was keeping Laurie from feeling. That's not okay for someone in "the biz" of healing. My regift to you 12.21.16 Angela, Laurie's sister, shares hard three memories re-written. Two days after... 11.20.16 Perhaps there is something (someONE) who can unify us all. Now is the time to live like Jesus 11.11.16 This is why I cried about the election, and this is what I believe we can do next. A response to Jen 10.31.16 Rarely, do we get involved in disagreements with fellow Christians about the LGBTQ+ conversation. But, we had to share. There has to be a better way 9.30.16 How should we treat same-sex attracted Christians in the church? How vulnerability heals 9.6.16 Sometimes, doing the thing we want to do the least is the thing that will heal us the most. Inviting Jesus into anxiety 8.26.16 Fear has felt out-of-control after having a baby; inviting Jesus into it (even if he doesn't fix it) helps A new identity 8.11.16 Matt writes about a friend's affairs before and after coming to Christ--and how his identity was affected. Guest Post: Can't I just trust him, already? 7.22.16 Another guest writer reflects honestly on how her lack of trust leads her to fantasy. Guest Post: A reflection on "Living with Longing" 7.14.16 A guest writer reflects on how she practically makes it through the temptation to run from God instead of to him. Living with longing 7.5.16 Sometimes, you just have to endure. A response to Orlando: Don't stop caring 6.16.16. Let's not redraw the lines in the sand. We men need friends, too 6.7.16 Matt talks through how he didn't need a romantic interaction. He needed friendship. No shadow of shame 5.23.16 Laurie again faces the shame she fights. (Also, a word about the "T" in LGBTQ) One year ago... 5.4.16 Laurie reflects on the journey of Matt's pornography addiction recovery over the last year. 10 ways to make your church safer 4.19.16 Hint: It starts with the individual. We apologize for the delay 4.13.16 We are going to take a blogging break as we move our home and office. The benefits of opening locked memories 3.31.16 There are certain memories that seem off limits. But is it worth it to keep them locked up forever? Know self, know God (and vice-versa) 3.15.16 We share an excerpt from The Gift of Being Yourself regarding the relationship between self-knowledge and God-knowledge. I want my daughter to grow up bored 3.10.16 Boredom is...boring. But the neurological and spiritual costs of constant entertainment can be devastating. Not an identity 3.1.16 Laurie guest writes for Cornerstone University about how her struggle is often viewed differently from Matt's. Guest Post: How God saved me and my marriage 2.23.16 A guest writer explains how God rescued her from a life of death. When I am tempted to unforgive 2. 9.16 Laurie describes what she does when she wants to take back her "right" to pay Matt back. The slow descent 1.26.16 Matt compares pornography addiction to hiking down the Grand Canyon. I'd rather not self-reflect, thank you 1.19.16 Matt sampled single fatherhood for a week, and wrestled with avoiding internal reflection in the midst of busyness and boredom. Word for the year (and how it might look) 1.5.16 Laurie doesn't do resolutions anymore. (Too much opportunity for shame.) This year her word is "abide." Don't let me wallow 12.29.15 Is a life with same-sex attractions a doomed life? Don't give up 12.15.15 For all the chronic pain sufferers... //Go to archives |