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LIving with Longing

7/5/2016

13 Comments

 
Picture
by Laurie Krieg
There is a moment in every deep relationship where I feel I hit a wall in the conversation.


A friend and I may be talking until we reach the source of her pain. 
There is no more to uncover. There is no more wounding to find. There is no more to point to as the “why” she does something, or the “how” to heal it (to the best of our mutual knowledge and seeking of the Spirit).

​We hit a wall of, “So, what do we do with this?”


For example, a friend might be struggling with same-sex attractions toward a co-worker. As we walk through some of the structures of healing Matt and I utilize in our counseling practice, she may see the following as we talk:
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Borrowed with edits from Terry Wardle's healing care curriculum, 2002.
Life Situation--She is in a work situation where it is difficult to be around another woman toward whom she is attracted. 
Dysfunctional Behavior--She flirts with this woman, but then cuts her arms when she gets home in order to punish herself for her behavior.
Feelings--She feels guilty and frustrated by the attractions and cutting; she feels overwhelming shame.
Lies and Distortions--She sees a reason she is attracted to this particular girl is because she is feeling utterly worthless. She also feels purposeless, and subconsciously believes when this woman notices her, she is worth something and has purpose.
Wounds--She pinpoints several times when an influential family member awarded her with smiles when she acted in a certain way as a child, but neglected her when she didn’t.
Core Needs--She sees that the wound from this family member bruised her God-given core need for nurture, purpose, and unconditional love. She confesses unhealthy ways of pursuing nurture, purpose, and unconditional love outside of God, and seeks Jesus’ heart of love for her.  She experiences it for the first time in this specific place of pain. 

But, she still has this attraction toward her co-worker. Perhaps not as strongly, but sometimes it might be. She continues to go through this process of pinpointing her deeper need, and then seeking it in God and in healthy relationships, but the struggle might not go away. Not permanently.

This is the wall. She is living with longing.
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Pre-heaven, pre-new Kingdom here on earth, we constantly crave wholeness.

​Paul says in Galatians that we are always fighting unhealthy ways to make ourselves feel better. “The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants…These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” Paul in  1 Corinthians adds, “Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength.”

So what do we do in the meantime? What do we do pre-heaven, pre-new Kingdom come? Is it even worth it to do this heart work?

​Why don’t we just cheat? Date that girl? Have the affair? Click that link? Call that friend before calling on God? As my brother wisely said to me when I was considering diving into life as a lesbian, “You could do that, Laurie. No one is stopping you.” We could do that. We could choose to do any of the things that persistently tempt us. 

But is it worth it?

If the purpose of my life is to “be happy,” then yes. Dance how you want to dance. Do want you want to do. Date who you want to date.

But if the purpose of my life is to love God and love others, then I want to welcome anything in my life that makes me more like Jesus—the One who perfectly honored God and loved others. 

This means learning to live with joy when God says “no” to our requests to remove pain. This means looking at the crowds (or our children or our co-workers) with compassion when we want to run from giving more. This also means loving ourselves enough to get alone when we feel burned out. This means always always always seeking God for our wholeness, and surrounding ourselves with men and women who will push us toward holiness.

Jesus did not live a pain-free life. How can we expect anything different?

But let’s not even shame ourselves in our desire to live pain-free. Our bodies yearn for Eden. But to cheat and get it before God offers it is to eat cotton candy instead of a Thanksgiving feast. Wait. Endure. Worship in and through the longing. (And in so doing, receive joy in the waiting. It’s inexplicable, but true.)

Endurance creates character, and character, hope, and hope does not disappoint us.

Yes, there are longings in our lives that may never leave. But instead of looking for the escape route, let’s look for the pathway in and through to make us stronger.

Don’t give up.
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13 Comments
Lori
7/7/2016 09:27:00 am

Another GOOD WORD! Whether or not we struggle with same sex attraction this applies to all our longings. Thank you for this reminder! GOD MAY OUR GREATEST LONGING BE MORE OF YOU!

Reply
Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 09:38:39 am

Thanks, Lori! The Gospel truth applies to us all. Blessings to you!

Reply
lori Lewis
7/7/2016 10:08:00 am

Worshipping to this song...hope it encourages you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Btfz9qKXUIk

Aunt Pat
7/7/2016 09:42:53 am

I agree with what u write, but question "hope does not disappoint us." We hoped for my sister to be healed of her cancer, and it wasn't. I hoped for a miracle in my marriage, and it ended in divorce. Yet I know that when I hope, it breeds faith, but my experiences of having hope seem to be futile.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 09:52:02 am

For sure. What you are talking about is what I'm trying to talk about: What do we do when it's still hard? Should we just give up? Should we wallow and scream? (Probably. For a while. We need to lament and grieve...knowing Jesus laments and grieves with us.) But then what? Sometimes, life is pain upon more pain. Sometimes life is desert, desert, desert...cup of water!...desert, desert, desert. The only choice we get when faced with the results of a fallen world and fallen people is how we will respond. Should we grieve, forgive, then rejoice in the pain (knowing we are growing as people as a result)? Or grieve, half-forgive, and live in bitterness? You may never know the "whys" of the unhealed cancer or the "whys" of the divorce, but you can choose to get to the heart of it and then grip Jesus' hands as he teaches you how to love and forgive through the pain (and build that character and eat that Thanksgiving meal one day in heaven as your reward for enduring well), or look to coping mechanisms for survival and eat the aforementioned cotton candy now. I'm not saying any of this is fun or easy. But I believe it to be worthwhile. Thanks for your reading and comment, Aunt Pat!

Reply
Kerri Chamberlain
7/7/2016 10:32:01 am

Wow! So good. I met with our friend Carolyn yesterday who guided me to these same conclusions you wrote about. I appreciate what you said about not shaming ourselves in the desire to be pain free. Thank you, this message was for me again today...and everyday.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 10:37:34 am

That's great, Kerri! I'm glad Carolyn sees through a similar lens. Encouraging. ;) I know. I need Galatians 6:9 tattooed on the back of my eyelids!

Reply
Mara
7/7/2016 11:50:00 am

“Relent, Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭90:13-16‬ ‭NIV‬‬
For all of the awful crud around us, both in our lives and in this world, it has been freeing to learn that many times joy still comes. Sometimes in the morning...sometimes in 10 mornings from now. Sometimes it's just a small glance, a little grin worth of joy. But sometimes it's that BLOW-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF-I-DON'T-DESERVE-THIS-KIND-OF-JOY joy. We all have our stuff...this world has its stuff. But God has His promises. And sometimes it's just a minute by minute clinging on to those truths that make life make most sense, when nothing else does. Even pre-kingdom cotton candy taste bitter sometimes.
Thanks for hitting "Publish" on this messy one. Grateful for this good word today.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 01:42:14 pm

Thanks, Mara. Love the verses and additions on my reflections! That blow-your-socks-off Joy is great. Can't wait until it's permanent in heaven.

Reply
Bill link
7/7/2016 12:37:35 pm

"Jesus did not live a pain-free life. how can we expect anything different?" True that. For all the junk of "God wants you healthy and wealthy" there is the truth of "Life is hard. Life will not be what you hoped or expect. But you are not alone nor are you going to go through this alone. I (Jesus) am here with you." No matter the pain-SSA, porn, lost dreams, addiction of any kind-Jesus is still there. I'm glad for that. Glad you published this Laurie.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
7/7/2016 01:43:44 pm

Thanks, Bill. Yes, no matter our issues or pain, Jesus may not take it away, but he will understand.

Reply
Carolyn Schroeder
7/8/2016 03:19:27 am

Such a great encouragement in your blog today. The Lord impressed on me that He is delighted with your truth........Hebrews 12:2 Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer of our faith, For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, despising its shame.
This is what you are saying from this passage sister.

Reply
Laurie Krieg
7/8/2016 04:08:23 am

Thanks so much, Carolyn. I receive that encouragement. Yes! "For the joy...!"

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    I'd rather not self-reflect, thank you
    1.19.16
    Matt sampled single fatherhood for a week, and wrestled with avoiding internal reflection in the midst of busyness and boredom.

    Word for the year (and how it might look)
    1.5.16
    Laurie doesn't do resolutions anymore. (Too much opportunity for shame.) This year her word is "abide."
    ​
    Don't let me wallow
    12.29.15
    Is a life with same-sex attractions a doomed life?

    Don't give up
    12.15.15
    For all the chronic pain sufferers...

    //Go to archives

All fall short. All are loved.
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