LIving with Longing

by Laurie Krieg
There is a moment in every deep relationship where I feel I hit a wall in the conversation.

A friend and I may be talking until we reach the source of her pain. There is no more to uncover. There is no more wounding to find. There is no more to point to as the “why” she does something, or the “how” to heal it (to the best of our mutual knowledge and seeking of the Spirit).

​We hit a wall of, “So, what do we do with this?”

For example, a friend might be struggling with same-sex attractions toward a co-worker. As we walk through some of the structures of healing Matt and I utilize in our counseling practice, she may see the following as we talk:

Borrowed with edits from Terry Wardle's healing care curriculum, 2002.

Life Situation--She is in a work situation where it is difficult to be around another woman toward whom she is attracted. 
Dysfunctional Behavior--She flirts with this woman, but then cuts her arms when she gets home in order to punish herself for her behavior.
Feelings--She feels guilty and frustrated by the attractions and cutting; she feels overwhelming shame.
Lies and Distortions--She sees a reason she is attracted to this particular girl is because she is feeling utterly worthless. She also feels purposeless, and subconsciously believes when this woman notices her, she is worth something and has purpose.
Wounds--She pinpoints several times when an influential family member awarded her with smiles when she acted in a certain way as a child, but neglected her when she didn’t.
Core Needs--She sees that the wound from this family member bruised her God-given core need for nurture, purpose, and unconditional love. She confesses unhealthy ways of pursuing nurture, purpose, and unconditional love outside of God, and seeks Jesus’ heart of love for her.  She experiences it for the first time in this specific place of pain. 

But, she still has this attraction toward her co-worker. Perhaps not as strongly, but sometimes it might be. She continues to go through this process of pinpointing her deeper need, and then seeking it in God and in healthy relationships, but the struggle might not go away. Not permanently.

This is the wall. She is living with longing.

Pre-heaven, pre-new Kingdom here on earth, we constantly crave wholeness.

​Paul says in Galatians that we are always fighting unhealthy ways to make ourselves feel better. “The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants…These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” Paul in  1 Corinthians adds, “Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength.”

So what do we do in the meantime? What do we do pre-heaven, pre-new Kingdom come? Is it even worth it to do this heart work?

​Why don’t we just cheat? Date that girl? Have the affair? Click that link? Call that friend before calling on God? As my brother wisely said to me when I was considering diving into life as a lesbian, “You could do that, Laurie. No one is stopping you.” We could do that. We could choose to do any of the things that persistently tempt us. 

But is it worth it?

If the purpose of my life is to “be happy,” then yes. Dance how you want to dance. Do want you want to do. Date who you want to date.

But if the purpose of my life is to love God and love others, then I want to welcome anything in my life that makes me more like Jesus—the One who perfectly honored God and loved others. 

This means learning to live with joy when God says “no” to our requests to remove pain. This means looking at the crowds (or our children or our co-workers) with compassion when we want to run from giving more. This also means loving ourselves enough to get alone when we feel burned out. This means always always always seeking God for our wholeness, and surrounding ourselves with men and women who will push us toward holiness.

Jesus did not live a pain-free life. How can we expect anything different?

But let’s not even shame ourselves in our desire to live pain-free. Our bodies yearn for Eden. But to cheat and get it before God offers it is to eat cotton candy instead of a Thanksgiving feast. Wait. Endure. Worship in and through the longing. (And in so doing, receive joy in the waiting. It’s inexplicable, but true.)

Endurance creates character, and character, hope, and hope does not disappoint us.

Yes, there are longings in our lives that may never leave. But instead of looking for the escape route, let’s look for the pathway in and through to make us stronger.

Don’t give up.