Hole in My Heart Ministries
  • Welcome
  • Blog
    • Blog Archives
  • About
    • About the Ministry
    • Videos & Podcasts
    • Endorsements
    • Core Needs
    • Resources >
      • Gay Friendly
  • Journey Well
  • Podcast
  • Contact
  • Partner

Honesty, refining, and shame

12/9/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
tem·per (v): improve the hardness and elasticity of (steel or other metal) by reheating and then cooling it.
We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. (Romans 5:3-4, The Message)
by Matt Krieg

​Since my confession, all of my difficulties have not disappeared, but there is no doubt that the tempering in the Refiner’s fire has helped more than it has burned.

For the entirety of our marriage, I have felt like I played second fiddle to Laurie. Wherever we went, it seemed like she was immediately recognized as beautiful, talented, and engaging. People we met were first drawn to her natural grace. 

I felt like I was a tagalong to whom people said, “We tolerate you because we want to know Laurie.” It was not verbal, but I heard it all the same.

This bred resentment in me—not only toward Laurie, but toward myself and those who seemed to say it.  I desperately wanted to be known and to be seen as gifted and valuable.

This lie that I am “less-than” didn’t begin with my relationship to Laurie, however. I’ve written about how it started in junior high when I thought about killing myself every day for two years.

In order to uproot this “worthless” lie, however, I needed to face it. I needed to get honest with myself and God. That was the pre-step to talking honestly to Laurie. 

A big reason I avoided truth was because I was wearing shame. (Laurie wrote about shame last week.) I was ashamed of who I was, so I tried to feel value by engaging in a cheap relational imitation with pornography. But engaging only increased my shame and decreased genuine relationships with others.

​Shame beget shame, and it healed nothing.
Sandra Wilson defines shame in Shame Free Parenting as, "a soul-deep sense that there is something uniquely wrong with me that is not wrong with you or anyone else in the world. Because I am not perfect and problem-free, I feel hopelessly, disgustingly different and worth less than other people. I view myself as, literally, worthless. I isn't that I make a mistake when I make a mistake; I am a mistake when I make a mistake. This is Shame's message."
No one knew of my sin, but I knew. The enemy knew, too. And so every chance he got, he showed me my sin, shoved my face in it, and thereby solidified that sense of worthlessness. “You are worthless. Look at you,” I heard. I easily agreed. “You’re right. I am worthless.”

If only I had opened up my hands and honestly said, “God, help. I can’t do this on my own,” instead of imploding and living the cycle of shame, I would have found freedom so much more quickly. When I finally did, it was as the David says when he confessed. 

"When I refused to confess my sin,

    my body wasted away,
    and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
    My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Interlude
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
    and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'
    And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." --Psalm 32:2-5

I am still choosing this life of honesty. Not with confessing pornography (because, praise God, I have not had anything to confess), but confessing the lies I believe even before I choose that dysfunctional behavior.

An example of this happened a few weeks ago. Without directly saying it, I heard someone say, “Matt what you can speak into my life is not worth what Laurie can speak into my life.” The worthless lie tapped on my shoulder.

But a beautiful thing happened. Instead of believing the lie that I am worthless and allowing shame to breed shameful activities, I turned to Jesus even while talking to this person.

In my heart I looked to God and asked, “Jesus please help me. I can’t finish this conversation without you.” 


Praise God, the Holy Spirit began ministering to me in the midst of my turmoil. I pushed into the pain, and allowed the best Counselor to speak truth into my heart in the moment. I heard love. I heard affirmation. I heard what I needed to hear from the One who could offer me true worth.

After that difficult conversation, I opened up to Laurie about what happened. She 
did not condemn me; she genuinely looked at me with pride. “I’m incredibly proud of you Matt. You have grown so much.” She talked about how I did not give up in the moment, but I allowed the storm of refining to do its work on my heart. “I don’t know too many people who lean into pain.”

God has been tempering me like metal in a furnace. I am stronger than I was, and I’m profoundly grateful.  

I know that in this battle I will be injured, but instead of hide the wound from myself, God, and others, I need to open up in honesty, and allow them to be both the Refiner and iron to sharpen this iron. 
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.--Proverbs 27:17

For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.--Psalm 66:10
​
He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify the Levites, refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the LORD.--Malachai 3:3
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    //About the Author

    Picture
    Laurie Krieg is broken, beloved, and gospel-addicted. Read more about her here.

      //Sign
      upto Receive Blog Updates

    Submit

    //Recent Posts

    Episode 34: How We Heal
    4.23.18
    How has the Krieg marriage been healing this last year? It's a real-life update.

    Episode 33: Sexual Discipleship

    4.13.18
    We are all sexually discipled. The question is not "if we are" but 'by whom'? Let's talk about how we, the Church, can sexually disciple better.

    Episode 32: Guiding Families
    4.8.18
    How can parents and leaders of LGBT+ people love them like Jesus?
    Guest: Bill Henson

    Are We in Love with Our Baristas?
    4.3.18
    What's the heart of attraction toward someone?

    Episode 31: How to Talk with the Kids
    3.30.18
    We have to talk with our kids about sex and sexuality, but how do we do it biblically?
    Guest: Branson Parler


    Episode 30: Women Struggle with Lust, Too
    3.23.18
    They do. (We do.) Quite a bit. Why are we so under-resourced and under-discussed?
    ​Guest: Amy Riordan

    Episode 29: It Takes a Village
    3.18.18
    How can youth pastors walk alongside LGBT+ youth well? 
    Guest: Ray Low

    Changing Theology, Not Orientation
    3.16.18
    One student's journey with her faith and sexuality
    Guest: Katie Melone

    Focus on Which Family?
    3.7.18
    How can we relate as a biblical family--single or married? 
    Guest: Dr. Branson Parler

    Podcast Episode 27: What's Really Best for the Kids?
    3.2.18
    How can we disciple our kids without hurting their hearts?

    Podcast Episode 26: Marriage: What Is It Good For?
    2.23.18
    The team draws timely connections between marriage, singleness, LGBT+ people, and the Church.
    Guest: Branson Parler

    The Day I Became Wonder Woman
    2.23.18
    Can God heal painful memories? Yeah.
    ​
    Podcast Episode 25: Friends in Low Places
    2.16.18
    How can you be a helpful friend to someone in pain? How can you be a helpful person in pain to your friends? Let's talk about it.
    ​Guest: Tammy Perlmutter

    The Three Spiritual Identities
    2.11.18
    Performance? Grace? Or Love? Where do you live?

    Podcast Episode 24: Is There Hope for Us?
    2.7.18
    On our nine-year anniversary, we ask that question.

    Podcast Episode 23: Don't Waste Your Marriage
    2.2.18
    How can we not waste it? Get on mission.

    The Secret Rooms of Our Hearts
    1.23.18
    How can we connect our hearts in the midst of processing trauma?

    Podcast Episode 22: 
    Learn to Fight Well

    1.19.18
    Hint: Fighting well is not about fighting well, but about looking like Jesus.

    Chronic Soul Pain
    1.19.18
    Do you suffer from chronic pain of the soul? We all do. Let's stop pretending we don't--in community.
     
    Podcast Episode 21: Pursue the Perfect Marriage
    1.13.18
    What does perfection in marriage look like?

    Podcast Episode 20: Marriage Is Not That Great
    1.6.17
    Is there a different set of rules for marriages like ours?

    What Do You Want? 
    12.31.17
    Laurie was due for a spiritual and marital audit, and she found herself before a holy God.
    ​
    Podcast Episode 19: I'm Coming Out
    12.22.17
    What was it like to come out to a friend for the first time? Laurie and that friend talk about it.

    Podcast Episode 18: The Loneliness of Leadership
    12.15.17
    Is loneliness a "required course" for leadership as Elisabeth Elliot said? Let's talk about it.

    Times They are  Changin'
    12.15.17
    Matt is moving on to other things--but he's still here. (We explain.)

    Podcast Episode 17: The James Progression
    12.7.17
    How about we talk about a shame-free version of avoiding temptation?

    Podcast Episode 16: Concern and Hope for the Church
    12.1.17
    What is a gift we can receive in the midst of all the polarity we see today? Guest: Dr. Matthew Tuininga

    Podcast Episode 15: The New Health and Wealth Gospel
    ​
    11.16.17
    Does God want us to be happy? Guest: Gregory Coles

    Podcast Episode 14:
    Idolatry of Sex

    11.11.17
    How can we, the Church, look more like the Church? We need to look at what we worship.

    Podcast Episode 13: 
    Marriage Matters
    11.3.17
    How can we cultivate intimacy in the tough seasons?

    Podcast Episode 12: Heart to Heart Prayer with Carolyn
    10.27.17
    Hear the heart of Laurie's longtime counselor, mentor, and friend.

    Chicken Love {A Guest Post From My Sister}
    10.26.17
    Like chickens, we can peck at each other, but we often just peck at ourselves.

    Podcast Episode 11: Forgiveness Is the Worst Best, Too
    10.21.17
    How do we truly forgive someone...in real life?
    ​
    Podcast Episode 10: Lament Is the Worst Best
    10.13.17
    Why do we got to feel the sad stuff of life?

    Against you, and you alone
    10.11.17
    We need something more convicting than the pain of a person.

    Podcast Episode 9: Pillar Practices
    10.6.17
    Pastor Marvin Williams joins us to share what keeps him tethered to Christ.

    Podcast Episode 8: Pillar People
    9.29.17
    Pastor David Beelen shares the critical people and practices in his life that have and do shape him to look and sound more like Jesus.
    ​
    Podcast Episode 7: Holy Hate?
    9.21.17
    Is there a time for Holy Hatred?

    Why I can't hate people anymore
    9.5.17
    Looking into her enemies' hearts won't let Laurie hate them anymore.

    Our friend, Greg Coles, on suffering well
    8.25.17
    Greg is leading worship at Caring Well. Here are some stellar pages from his book.

    Why I am so excited
    8.21.17
    The Caring Well conference is coming. I'm stoked. Here's why.

    So long, Shame
    8.11.17
    Shame snuck up on Laurie again.

    Three guest posts for Lies Young Women Believe
    7.7.17
    To the Girl Wrestling with her Sexuality, Who is Safe to Tell?, What do to with Painful Rejection

    Orlando reflections
    6.27.17
    Matt was finally able to name why he loved being with LGBT+/SSA Christians.

    Why Christians can care about LGBT+ people
    5.22.17
    Because...Jesus.

    What the world (my world) needs now is little, honest laments
    5.9.17
    We got to get the pain out.

    How can we really love people?
    ​3.29.17
    It takes experiencing love.

    Pillar People
    3.22.17
    Who are the critical characters in our lives?

    What I've learned after eight years in my mixed-orientation marriage
    2.6.17
    Are we really so different from other marriages?

    Addiction, worry, and worship are interchangeable
    1.18.17
    We are made for addiction.

    5 reasons I'm glad I said "see ya" to my smartphone
    12.29.16
    It was keeping Laurie from feeling. That's not okay for someone in "the biz" of healing.

    My regift to you
    12.21.16
    Angela, Laurie's sister, shares hard three memories re-written.

    Two days after...
    11.20.16
    Perhaps there is something (someONE) who can unify us all.

    Now is the time to live like Jesus
    11.11.16
    This is why I cried about the election, and this is what I believe we can do next.

    A response to Jen
    10.31.16
    Rarely, do we get involved in disagreements with fellow Christians about the LGBTQ+ conversation. But, we had to share.
     
    There has to be a better way
    9.30.16
    How should we treat same-sex attracted Christians in the church?

    How vulnerability heals
    9.6.16
    Sometimes, doing the thing we want to do the least is the thing that will heal us the most.
    ​
    Inviting Jesus into anxiety
    8.26.16
    Fear has felt out-of-control after having a baby; inviting Jesus into it (even if he doesn't fix it) helps
     
    A new identity
    ​
    8.11.16
    Matt writes about a friend's affairs before and after coming to Christ--and how his identity was affected. 

    Guest Post: Can't I just trust him, already?
    7.22.16
    Another guest writer reflects honestly on how her lack of trust leads her to fantasy.
    ​
    Guest Post: A reflection on "Living with Longing"
    7.14.16
    A guest writer reflects on how she practically makes it through the temptation to run from God instead of to him. 

    Living with longing
    7.5.16
    Sometimes, you just have to endure.

    A response to Orlando: Don't stop caring
    6.16.16.
    Let's not redraw the lines in the sand.

    We men need friends, too
    6.7.16
    Matt talks through how he didn't need a romantic interaction. He needed friendship.

    No shadow of shame
    5.23.16
    Laurie again faces the shame she fights. (Also, a word about the "T" in LGBTQ)

    One year ago...
    5.4.16
    Laurie reflects on the journey of Matt's pornography addiction recovery over the last year.

    ​10 ways to make your church safer
    4.19.16
    Hint: It starts with the individual.

    We apologize for the delay
    4.13.16
    We are going to take a blogging break as we move our home and office.

    The benefits of opening locked memories
    3.31.16
    There are certain memories that seem off limits. But is it worth it to keep them locked up forever?

    Know self, know God (and vice-versa)
    3.15.16
    We share an excerpt from The Gift of Being Yourself regarding the relationship between self-knowledge and God-knowledge.

    I want my daughter to grow up bored
    3.10.16
    Boredom is...boring. But the neurological and spiritual costs of constant entertainment can be devastating.

    Not an identity
    3.1.16
    Laurie guest writes for Cornerstone University about how her struggle is often viewed differently from Matt's.

    Guest Post: How God saved me and my marriage
    2.23.16
    A guest writer explains how God rescued her from a life of death.

    When I am tempted to unforgive
    2. 9.16
    ​Laurie describes what she does when she wants to take back her "right" to pay Matt back.

    The slow descent
    1.26.16
    Matt compares pornography addiction to hiking down the Grand Canyon.

    I'd rather not self-reflect, thank you
    1.19.16
    Matt sampled single fatherhood for a week, and wrestled with avoiding internal reflection in the midst of busyness and boredom.

    Word for the year (and how it might look)
    1.5.16
    Laurie doesn't do resolutions anymore. (Too much opportunity for shame.) This year her word is "abide."
    ​
    Don't let me wallow
    12.29.15
    Is a life with same-sex attractions a doomed life?

    Don't give up
    12.15.15
    For all the chronic pain sufferers...

    //Go to archives

All fall short. All are loved.
​HIMHMinistries.com
  • Welcome
  • Blog
    • Blog Archives
  • About
    • About the Ministry
    • Videos & Podcasts
    • Endorsements
    • Core Needs
    • Resources >
      • Gay Friendly
  • Journey Well
  • Podcast
  • Contact
  • Partner
✕