A New Identity

One of my friend’s first years of marriage were riddled with affairs. He looked for partners outside of his wife solely for a physical connection.

But then this man and his wife came to Christ.

Once he became a Christian he described an irresistible pull to confess to his wife about his earlier affairs. He obediently did. His wife wanted to leave him, but after time and talks with their pastor she decided to stay.

After all, he was a new creation; the affairs were a part of his old self. In coming forward he took the next step in taking off the old self and putting on a new identity rooted in the Lord.

He told me it took years for her to begin trusting him again. But he persisted in his journey by becoming involved in his church, and showing himself as a leader in his family.  Everything went well for almost eight years. 

But then, as he grew comfortable in this new phase of life, it began to crumble. He lost his job. He lost his house. His car, which he had just bought months before, fell into collections and was repossessed. ​

He called out to God in the midst of this new pain, and was finally hired doing mechanical work. He enjoyed it, liked his team, and grew close to several co-workers including one female. She admired him, and confided in him. He led her to Christ, and they spent a lot of time together. 

Even though he was a Christian, even though he called out to God, even though he was in the process of becoming a new creation, he had another affair. 

He couldn’t believe it. The Holy Spirit convicted him again, and he told his wife. She was rightly devastated as they found themselves working to keep the marriage together because of the same wound that was inflicted before he found Jesus.

This man felt defeated.  “How did I end up here again?”  He felt like he could no longer look at the day he came to Christ as a fresh start. When he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw a Christ-following husband, but instead a cheater, a failed husband, a failed father, and a hypocrite. 

He wasn’t alone in this view. His wife and family easily agreed, and spit out the same words. “You will always be a cheater and a deceiver,” they said. “You will never be anything good after what you have done now.”

Broken and covered in shame, he turned to the woman with whom he had an affair for the affirmation he craved.

Until the voice of God called to him with love and compassion. “This is not who I created you to be,” he heard.​

Yes, he had sinned, but he was not beyond the grip of God’s grace. While he fell back into his old patterns in a time of turmoil, this is not who he was. His “new creation” status was still his identity. ​

Like the parable of the prodigal son, this man had a relationship with the Father when he decided to walk his own way.  Similarly, my friend “came to his senses” and realized that a life with the Father—even as a servant—was better than seeking affirmation where he shouldn’t.

And like that prodigal, my friend was met with shame and condemnation from “older brothers” (and then self-talked additional shame and drank in self-hatred).

But like that younger son in the story, my friend had a loving Father who said, “No, you are not second-rate. You are not defeated. You will not be a servant. You are my son. My death brought you life and a status of sonship. Your identity is not based in you, but in me.”

Christ died to to give my friend HIS righteousness. He can’t attain it. He can’t even maintain it.

During a recent conversation, I felt prompted to remind him that his identity is not wrapped up in his shortcomings but in Christ’s excess. He isn’t a product of his own defeat, but of Christ’s victory. My friend wept at this realization.

My friend’s encounter with his depravity slammed into God’s grace is not for him alone. It’s for his wife, for his family, for me, for you, for millions of others who can walk through life in self-condemnation and defeat.

But what Christ has won let NO ONE ever call a loss.
Because it doesn’t matter what you have done. 
It doesn’t matter what has been done to you. 

The second you let Christ into your life, you are and always will be his beloved.